Depressed

I am beyond sad. I am overwhelmingly numb. The past 15 months have been extremely difficult. There have been so many personal triggering circumstances that have ultimately led to this feeling. On NYE 2018, Daddy suffered a seizure of some sort. Later I came to believe that he actually had a stroke. I really thought we were going to lose him that night. I was not ready to face that. He went from a relatively healthy person to disabled overnight. So many changes occurred during that time. The care that he needed, the physical therapy, and new medicines were a challenge. He needed one on one care for all life skills. The family struggled as a whole while dealing with our own private problems as well.

During this time, I lost a close friend in a bizarre medical incident. Chris and I had been friends for 20 years. She and I had a lot in common. She passed away so suddenly. The shock was palpable. I could not believe that someone so vital was gone so young and so quickly.  A few months later another close friend, Penny was murdered by a man she was living with. THAT one is hard to accept! Penny was the sweetest person and despite her personal struggles did not deserve to die in that manner. Losing two friends that were so young and had so much to live for was hard. 

Janessa had emergency surgery the year before (2018).  Within a few months she had to have another surgery because the first one did not solve the issue. Fast forward to 2019—Janessa faces another medical crisis. The surgery needs to done again. This was determined after a really bad night in the ER. How many surgeries should it take?? This was frustrating and overwhelming. I worried about her pain levels and whether this would ever end.

Then Daddy had another seizure in March and then went back to rehab. He was working really hard to regain his ability to walk. He had trouble with his speech. Someone had to be with him 24/7 to help him. This ran the whole family ragged. We divided the obligations between us as best we could.

Also, my brother, Jason was having medical issues with his colon. He had to have another surgery in May. They had to go in and take part of his large intestine out because it was twisted. He was in so much pain. It was unimaginable that he was in such pain.  Between Daddy and Jason it was difficult to decide who to stay with at different hospitals.

Then, the next incident nearly brought  us to our knees. Emily was in a car accident and was seriously injured. They sent her to the Children’s Hospital in Mobile. She had serious fractures in her back and neck. They had to do several different surgeries to help her. She also had a bad gash on her arm which injured muscles and tendons in her arm and hand.  It was an ugly scar. She also split open her knee. Luckily, there was no major damage. She does have a bad scar there, though. She was in serious condition but eventually after several weeks was able to come home. We all were so upset about her injuries and what could have happened.

This was a horrible year. However, as 2020 began we did not know what we were going to lose.

Daddy had been doing okay but was not the same. He had lost his spark. He was never the same after the first stroke.  He started losing his ability to walk. He had to be moved in the wheelchair. Caring for him got to be too much for Mom. She cried many tears over not being able to help him more. He started running a fever so was taken to the hospital. They ran many tests and did some procedures, but nothing seemed to be working. He wanted to come home.

So we brought him home and immediately he had a rapid decline. Within a week, Daddy passed away. I still cannot believe he is gone. I know it in my head, but my heart refuses to think about it.

Now we are dealing with the COVID-19 virus and all that entails. We cannot go anywhere. I am worried about Mom getting the virus. I am worried about my health as well.

I am depressed. I cannot sleep, I have gained weight, my pain levels are elevated. I just do not feel I am coping well. I am trying to keep it all together for the rest of the family. I am so heartsick and sad. Praying that 2020 gets better. Maybe should pray that I get better.