I am beyond sad. I am overwhelmingly numb. The past 15 months have been
extremely difficult. There have been so many personal triggering circumstances
that have ultimately led to this feeling. On NYE 2018, Daddy suffered a seizure of
some sort. Later I came to believe that he actually had a stroke. I really thought we
were going to lose him that night. I was not ready to face that. He went from a
relatively healthy person to disabled overnight. So many changes occurred
during that time. The care that he needed, the physical therapy, and new
medicines were a challenge. He needed one on one care for all life skills. The family struggled as a whole while dealing with
our own private problems as well.
During this time, I lost a close friend in a bizarre medical
incident. Chris and I had been friends for 20 years. She and I had a lot in
common. She passed away so suddenly. The shock was palpable. I could not believe
that someone so vital was gone so young and so quickly. A few months later another close friend, Penny was murdered by a
man she was living with. THAT one is hard to accept! Penny was the sweetest
person and despite her personal struggles did not deserve to die in that
manner. Losing two friends that were so young and had so much to live for was
hard.
Janessa had emergency surgery the year before (2018). Within a few months she had to have another
surgery because the first one did not solve the issue. Fast forward to 2019—Janessa
faces another medical crisis. The surgery needs to done again. This was
determined after a really bad night in the ER. How many surgeries should it
take?? This was frustrating and overwhelming. I worried about her pain levels
and whether this would ever end.
Then Daddy had another seizure in March and then went back to
rehab. He was working really hard to regain his ability to walk. He had trouble
with his speech. Someone had to be with him 24/7 to help him. This ran the
whole family ragged. We divided the obligations between us as best we could.
Also, my brother, Jason was having medical issues with his
colon. He had to have another surgery in May. They had to go in and take part
of his large intestine out because it was twisted. He was in so much pain. It
was unimaginable that he was in such pain.
Between Daddy and Jason it was difficult to decide who to stay with at
different hospitals.
Then, the next incident nearly brought us to our knees. Emily was in a car accident
and was seriously injured. They sent her to the Children’s Hospital in Mobile.
She had serious fractures in her back and neck. They had to do several
different surgeries to help her. She also had a bad gash on her arm which
injured muscles and tendons in her arm and hand. It was an ugly scar. She also split open her
knee. Luckily, there was no major damage. She does have a bad scar there,
though. She was in serious condition but eventually after several weeks was
able to come home. We all were so upset about her injuries and what could have
happened.
This was a horrible year. However, as 2020 began we did not
know what we were going to lose.
Daddy had been doing okay but was not the same. He had lost
his spark. He was never the same after the first stroke. He started losing his ability to walk. He had
to be moved in the wheelchair. Caring for him got to be too much for Mom. She
cried many tears over not being able to help him more. He started running a
fever so was taken to the hospital. They ran many tests and did some
procedures, but nothing seemed to be working. He wanted to come home.
So we brought him home and immediately he had a rapid
decline. Within a week, Daddy passed away. I still cannot believe he is gone. I
know it in my head, but my heart refuses to think about it.
Now we are dealing with the COVID-19 virus and all that
entails. We cannot go anywhere. I am worried about Mom getting the virus. I am
worried about my health as well.
I am depressed. I cannot sleep, I have gained weight, my
pain levels are elevated. I just do not feel I am coping well. I am trying to
keep it all together for the rest of the family. I am so heartsick and sad.
Praying that 2020 gets better. Maybe should pray that I get better.
SMS
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